What Happens When You Are Not the Problem
Imagine carrying a heavy backpack everywhere you go—so long that you’ve forgotten you’re wearing it. You just know you’re tired, everything is hard, and you feel weighed down. Now imagine someone gently helping you take that backpack off and place it on the ground.
The backpack still exists. The weight is still real. But suddenly, you can breathe. You can see it from outside yourself. You can examine what’s actually inside it. And most importantly—you can make choices about it.
This is what externalising does for our struggles.
The Most Common Response: Relief
When people first experience true externalising in therapeutic writing, the response is almost universal: relief.
Relief that they are not fundamentally broken. Relief that there’s space between who they are and what they’re experiencing. Relief that other aspects of their lives—talents, relationships, hopes—haven’t disappeared, just been obscured.
How Externalising Creates Healing Space
De-centring the Problem
When a problem is de-centred through externalising, it no longer takes up all the space in your life story. Instead of:
“I am worthless” (where worthlessness IS you)
You have:
“The worthlessness has been influencing my life, but there’s a history to this” (where worthlessness is something separate that has effects on you)
This shift is profound. It means:
- The problem is not your permanent identity
- The problem has a beginning (and potentially an end)
- You have a life beyond this problem
- You have capacities to respond
Reducing Shame
Shame thrives when we believe we are the problem. When we externalise, shame loses its primary fuel. Instead of:
“I’m so stupid/weak/broken” (identity-level shame)
We can explore:
“How has this problem been affecting me?” (curiosity about effects)
This doesn’t mean denying responsibility where appropriate—it means freeing ourselves from toxic shame that prevents healing.
Opening to Support
When we’re deeply ashamed and believe we are the problem, we often isolate ourselves. Who wants to burden others with someone who is fundamentally broken?
But when the problem is externalised—when it’s something we’re dealing with rather than something we are—it becomes more possible to invite others into supporting us. We can form teams, share strategies, and accept help.
A Therapeutic Writing Practice
Exploring the Space Between
Take a problem you’ve named in previous exercises. Write about:
- The Before Times: What was your life like before this problem had such influence? What were you doing? What brought you joy?
- The Problem’s Effects: How specifically has this problem affected different areas of your life? (Relationships, work, hobbies, health, confidence)
- The Glimpses Beyond: Are there moments when the problem’s influence is less strong? What’s different in those moments? What does this tell you about yourself?
- What Remains: Despite this problem’s influence, what parts of you have persisted? What values, hopes, or characteristics have remained, even if sometimes hidden?
Real Effects of This Separation
Increased Options for Action
When you’re not the problem, you can strategise about the problem. You can ask:
- What sustains this problem’s influence?
- What diminishes it?
- What practices or thoughts keep it strong?
- What practices or thoughts weaken its hold?
Reclaiming Your Expertise
You’ve been living with this struggle. You have knowledge about it that no one else possesses. Externalising helps you access this expertise. You might know:
- Early warning signs before the problem intensifies
- Specific triggers or situations that invite the problem in
- Small things that have helped in the past
- Times you’ve successfully reduced its influence, even briefly
Different Territory
As you create space from the problem, you may find yourself standing somewhere new—a place where self-blame is less dominant, where your own wisdom becomes more accessible, where action feels more possible.
This is the territory where healing happens.
Important Considerations
Externalising doesn’t mean:
- Denying the problem exists
- Avoiding responsibility for your actions
- Pretending everything is fine
- Minimising real suffering
It means:
- Recognising you are more than your struggles
- Creating space to respond rather than just react
- Accessing resources within and around you
- Building pathways toward preferred ways of living
Cultural Sensitivity
Different cultural contexts understand the relationship between self and problem differently. Some cultures emphasise community and relationships, others individual psychology. Therapeutic writing can honour your cultural framework while still offering the benefits of externalising.
In our next post, we’ll explore an often-overlooked aspect of externalising—applying it not just to problems, but to strengths, abilities, and positive qualities.